Grief forces you to deal with and face the pain of loss, betrayal, fear in the marriage. When your spouse has betrayed you through an affair or abuse..... it seems like he is no longer the person you married. It seems like you have lost that person and now, someone else is standing in his/her place because they can no longer be trusted and no longer have the same character or values you once knew and once trusted. But, first you need to determine how to work your way out of the grief and understand what you are experiencing.

There are many ways to look at the grief process. Dr. kubler-Ross identified this pattern in dying patients: denial "there must be some mistake"; anger "why me?"; bargaining...an attempt to postpone; depression: sorrow over past losses & that to come; acceptance/ reorganization.

Dr. Colin Murray-Parkes defined 4 phases of mourning:

1. A period of numbness occurring close to the time of loss

2. A phase of yearning: for lost one to return; a denial of the permanence

3. Disorganization/despair; bereaved finds it difficult to function in environment.

4. Reorganized behavior...beginning to pull life back together.

You will experience some of the following symptoms:

• shock, sadness, crying; changes in life & roles & responsibilities; fears about the future, 


• feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, anxiety, loneliness, confusion, yearning. 


• Difficulties with faith, socialization and maintaining normal activities for a time. 


• anorexia, somatic distress, fatigue,


• guilt, anger, hostility,


• the normal stages of grief and loss: shock, protest, disorganization, reorganization. 

"After a significant loss like betrayal many people have the sense they are going crazy, particularly if they have not sustained a major loss before." But, you are not a helpless victim of grief. There are actions you can take to help you work through this loss.

Facing the loss with God's help, placing your hope in Christ, your Savior, experiencing the feelings and work of grief can bring you healing.

When should you get professional counseling? When you can't accept the reality of the loss: When you get stuck in the past or can't function. When you withdraw and isolate yourself from the world, and/or become increasingly helpless. It is time to get professional help when depression sets in: When you manifest Major Depression Symptoms:

*over 2 week period.

...lengthy depressed mood

...decreased interest or pleasure in most activities

...significant weight loss or weight gain

...insomnia or hypersomnia

...fatigue or loss of energy ...worthlessness or excessive/ inappropriate guilt

...difficulties thinking/ concentrating, indecisiveness nearly every day.

...negativity

..thoughts of death/suicide* 

*If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, get immediate help by calling your family physician and the American Association of Christian Counselors or the National Board or Certified Counselors. 

The Bible talks about grief. Gen. 6:6 reads "He was grieved in His heart." Who is this talking about? God. He experienced grief; He knows what it is like.

When you enter into grief, you enter into the valley of shadows. There is nothing heroic or noble about grief. It is painful. It is work. It is a lingering process. But it is necessary for all kinds of losses. It has been labeled everything from intense mental anguish to acute sorrow to deep remorse. 

There are a multitude of emotions involved in the grief process- emotions which seem out of control and often appear in conflict with one another. With each loss comes bitterness, emptiness, apathy, love, anger, guilt, sadness, fear, self-pity, and helplessness.

People in the Bible grieved. Naomi was deeply grieved after the loss of her husband and 2 sons:

Ruth 1:3-5 "Now Elimelech, Naomi's husband, died, and she was left with her two sons. They married Moabite women, one named Orpah and the other Ruth. After they had lived there about ten years, both Mahlon and Kilion also died, and Naomi was left without her two sons and her husband"

Naomi not only lost her family, she lost her providers and her dreams for the future.

Ruth 1:8-14 "Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, "Go back, each of you, to your mother's home. May the LORD show kindness to you, as you have shown to your dead and to me. May the LORD grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband." Then she kissed them and they wept aloud and said to her, "We will go back with you to your people." 11 But Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me-- even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons-- would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the LORD's hand has gone out against me!" At this they wept again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-by, but Ruth clung to her."

Ruth, Orpah and Naomi wept. Naomi faced reality...she couldn’t provide a husband for them. She expressed anger, and bitterness "The hand of the Lord has gone against me." "The Almighty has made my life very bitter." She felt hopeless about the future and her circumstances.

Ruth 1:20-21 "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.21 I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me." Naomi felt disappointed, angry towards God.

Even so, Naomi and Ruth did what they knew was right and trusted even when they couldn't understand why God allowed the trials to take place. Then, God provided a redeemer in Boaz for them.

Jesus grieved in the garden of Gethsemane:

Luke 22:42 "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 

Luke 22:44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

Matt 26:38

Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."

Matt 26:42 He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." ***Naomi & Jesus felt the pain of suffering and grief yet endured it & submitted to God’s will....

How can you keep from falling apart and "Ride out the storm of grief"? Will this devastation in your marriage shatter your life forever? Grief gives us only one place to go....God.

C.S. Lewis wrote "Relying on God has to begin all over again everyday as if nothing had yet been done"

Paul expressed deep turmoil about hardships he faced:

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Cor 1:8-9

In the face of loss, hardship & uncertainty you can..

Discover power in grief by allowing the pain of grief to move you towards God & to learn to rely totally on Him. When you discover that only God can comfort & His presence is more of a reality than ever before.... you discover what’s good about grief and how you can face the future.

St. Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 12:9-10..."When I am weak, then I am strong."

In order to keep from falling apart in the face of this brokenness in your marriage you can begin with:

A. Surrendering and acceptance and prayer: You can use loss to help your faith grow and move you towards reliance on Christ. Let the pain of grief, hurt and woundedness draw you to Christ.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."Matt 11:28-30 (NIV)

...God hears your prayers, provides comfort and rest.

B. Since "the only way out of grief is through" you need to work through the stages of grief: feel the pain, express it in healthy ways through journaling, prayer, counseling, a close friend. Depend on God for strength to take on new responsibilities and the work of restoring your relationship.  Pace yourself.  Let other people help.

"The overall purpose of grief is to bring you to the point of making the necessary changes you need to make so you can live with the loss in a healthy way." N. Wright

It is at this turning point in your life that God works on you and through you....on your character, perspective, behavior helping you to become more Christlike.

What do you need to do to get to the point of living with the loss and the feelings of betrayal in a healthy way? These steps can be helpful for most types of losses.

1. Admit you have experienced a trauma but, that you can go on with the help of God. You need to confront and forgive your spouse who has abused or betrayed you.

2. The next step is to develop your own self and your life to encompass and reflect the changes that occurred because of your loss. Developing self-respect and self-esteem is important in the case of an affair or abuse.

3. The third step is discovering and taking on new ways of existing and functioning which will help you move forward. You can go on despite this brokenness in your marriage. You can regain your life and your marriage......if your spouse commits to work on it. (N. Wright)

"the only way out of grief is through"

It is one thing to work through the grief, it is another thing to make grief ...... the affair, the abuse....the focus of your whole life.  You need to deal with it and begin moving forward.  Move forward now by considering how to forgive your spouse.



Go to Part 111: Healing Your Broken Marriage by Forgiving